I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
