This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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