You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
