I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
