my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
