ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
