I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
