my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
