hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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