I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
