Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
