coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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