White coat. Heels.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
