those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
