We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
