Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
