Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
