He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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