Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
