I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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