I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
