Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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