Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
