You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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