Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
