He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"