We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
