she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
