I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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