All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
