Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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