im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
