I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How external is "for external use only"?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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