you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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