Need sex. Gaining weight.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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