Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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