I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just found a bag of teeth...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
