You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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