I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
