I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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