bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
