I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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