Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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