My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
