i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
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We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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