Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
