i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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