New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
