my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
