I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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