can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Randomize
