1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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