when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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