wanna go halves on a baby?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
