Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
