the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
