Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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